Farsideology: Final Exam: Islamic Dietary Laws

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Final Exam: Islamic Dietary Laws

As the resident satirist, it is my sworn duty to maintain the high educational standards of the FFI forum. From time to time, I will test the forum members on their Islamic knowledge. Answer the questions to the best of your ability. May the deity or deities of your choice be with you. Enjoy!

Why did Muhammad eat and drink only with his right hand? A) Sinistrophobia B) Sinistrophobia C) Sinistrophobia

If a dog drinks from your cup, you must wash it seven times. How many times must you wash the cup if a pig drank from it? A) 99 B) Shoot the person who let the pig into the house. C) a super dumb test question.

Sunan Abu-Duwad Book 26, No. 3688: Narrated Ali ibn AbuTalib: The Apostle of Allah forbade us the use of pumpkins, green jars, hollow stumps and wine made from barley. Question: How many times did Muhammad use the word “forbade” during his life? A) sexoctingentillion B) trecentillion C) primo-vigesimo-centillion source

Which one of the following gourmet dishes would Muhammad salivate over? A) Lobster Thermidor B) Barbecue baby back pork ribs cooked on a charcoal grill C) roasted locusts cooked on a campfire.

Sunan Abu-Duwad Book 26, No. 3708: Narrated Anas ibn Malik: The Prophet forbade that a man should drink while standing. Question: Conversely, which one of the following positions did Muhammad recommend for drinking beverages? A) Lying flat on your stomach B) Lying flat on your back C) Lying on your side

If a cat jumped on the table and started to eat the beef entree, you should A) push the cat off the table B) Shoot the person who let the cat into the house. C) set a place setting for the cat at the table.

Sahih Muslim Book 023, No. 5037: Ibn 'Abbas reported Allah's Messenger as saying: When any one of you eats food he should not wipe his hand until he has licked it himself or has given it to someone else to lick. Question; Which one of the following would be the ideal person to lick your hand? A) my 1st wife B) my 2nd wife C) my 3rd wife D) my 4th wife.

Why did Muhammad use only three fingers in eating? A) He was paying homage to the Christian Trinity B) The other two fingers were dysfunctional. C) Only Allah knows.

The saponins chemicals in wine have been shown to reduce cholesterol levels. Why did Allah not reveal this significant health benefit to Muhammad? A) Farside has too much free time on his hands. B) Arabian wines are the wines of choice for the denizens of the Islamic Hell. C) Archangel Gabriel was intoxicated on heavenly wine and failed to communicate this health benefit to Muhammad.

Why did Muhammad forbade Muslims to eat or drink out of gold or silver vessels? A) Their atomic numbers are evil: 79 for gold and 47 for silver. B) The Archangel Gabriel revealed to Muhammad that stainless steel makes a superior vessel. C) Since only non-believers may use gold and silver vessels, Allah has demanded that all devout Muslims sell their vessels on ebay and send the transaction proceeds to the following paypal account– FarsideZXY8943. Always remember, Allah knows best.

Bonus Question Sahih Bukhari Vol. 7, Bk. 69, No. 504: Narrated 'Aisha: The Prophet used to like sweet edible things and honey. Question: How many cavities did Muhammad have? A) None! Muhammad is the perfect human. B) A Mouthful! Muhammad is just another human who lived and died on the auburn sand dunes of a bleak, arabian desert.