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Qur'an, Hadith and Scholars:Islamic Silliness
From WikiIslam
This page lists some of the most humorous verses that are found in the Quran and the Hadith.
[edit] Muttaqi (god-fearing) Monkeys
See a video of a cleric talking about this event here.
Narrated 'Amr bin Maimun: During the pre-lslamic period of ignorance I saw a she-monkey surrounded by a number of monkeys. They were all stoning it, because it had committed illegal sexual intercourse. I too, stoned it along with them.
[edit] Mohammed the Vampire
Narrated 'Abdul 'Aziz: A man asked Anas, "What did you hear from the Prophet about garlic?" He said, "The Prophet said, 'Whoever has eaten this plant should neither come near us nor pray with us."
[edit] Unpaid Debt to turn into bald-headed Snake on Judgement Day
Narrated Abu Huraira: Allah's Apostle said, "On the Day of Resurrection the Kanz (Treasure or wealth of which, Zakat has not been paid) of anyone of you will appear in the shape of a huge bald-headed poisonous male snake and its owner will run away from it, but it will follow him and say, 'I am your Kanz.'" The Prophet added, "By Allah, that snake will keep on following him until he stretches out his hand and let the snake swallow it." Allah's Apostle added, "If the owner of camels does not pay their Zakat, then, on the Day of Resurrection those camels will come to him and will strike his face with their hooves."
[edit] Inanimate Objects Awaken From Their Slumber
[edit] Stone stole my Clothes
Abu Huraira reported that Moses was a modest person. He was never seen naked and Banu Isra'iI said: (He was afraid to expose his private part) because he had been suffering from scrotal hernia. He (one day) took bath in water and placed his garments upon a stone. The stone began to move on quickly. He followed that and struck it with the help of a stone (saying): O stone, my garment; O stone, my garments, O stone.....
Sahih Muslim 30:5850, See also:Sahih Bukhari 4:55:616
[edit] A Crying Tree
Narrated Jabir bin 'Abdullah: The Prophet used to stand by a tree or a date-palm on Friday. Then an Ansari woman or man said. "O Allah's Apostle! Shall we make a pulpit for you?" He replied, "If you wish." So they made a pulpit for him and when it was Friday, he proceeded towards the pulpit (for delivering the sermon). The date-palm cried like a child! The Prophet descended (the pulpit) and embraced it while it continued moaning like a child being quieted. The Prophet said, "It was crying for (missing) what it used to hear of religious knowledge given near to it."
[edit] Food glorifies Allah while being eaten
Narrated 'Abdullah: We used to consider miracles as Allah's Blessings, but you people consider them to be a warning. Once we were with Allah's Apostle on a journey, and we ran short of water. He said, "Bring the water remaining with you." The people brought a utensil containing a little water. He placed his hand in it and said, "Come to the blessed water, and the Blessing is from Allah." I saw the water flowing from among the fingers of Allah's Apostle , and no doubt, we heard the meal glorifying Allah, when it was being eaten (by him).
[edit] Trees as Informers
Narrated ‘Abdur-Rahman: "I asked Masruq, ‘Who informed the Prophet about the Jinns at the night when they heard the Qur'an?’ He said, ‘Your father ‘Abdullah informed me that a tree informed the Prophet about them.’"
[edit] A Saluting Stone
Jabir b. Samura reported Allah's Messenger (may peace be upon him) as saying : I recognise the stone in Mecca which used to pay me salutations before my advent as a Prophet and I recognise that even now.
[edit] Prophet shows how to Profit
Narrated 'Abdullah bin 'Umar: A man mentioned to the Prophet that he had always been cheated in bargains. The Prophet said, "Whenever you do bargain, say, 'No cheating.'"
[edit] Devil Sleeps in Our What?
Abu Huraira reported: The Apostle of Allah (may peace be upon him) said. When any one of you awakes up from sleep and performs ablution, he must clean his nose three times, for the devil spends the night in the interior of his nose.
[edit] Abdomen contradicts Allah
Narrated Abu Said: A man came to the prophet and said, 'My brother has got loose motions. The Prophet said, Let him drink honey." The man again (came) and said, 'I made him drink (honey) but that made him worse.' The Prophet said, 'Allah has said the Truth, and the abdomen of your brother has told a lie."
[edit] One Sneeze, Two Sneeze, Three Sneeze, Four
Malik related to me from Abdullah ibn Abi Bakr from his father that the Messenger of Allah, may Allah bless him and grant him peace, said, "If a man sneezes, invoke a blessing on him. Then if he sneezes, invoke a blessing on him. Then if he sneezes, invoke a blessing on him. Then if he sneezes, say, 'You have a cold'." Abdullah ibn Abi Bakr said, "I don't know whether it was after the third or fourth."
[edit] Allah, rain there, not here!
Summary: People's livestock were dying because of lack of water. On request, Muhammad prayed to Allah who instantly brought so much rain that that caused livestock to die due to excess of water. Then Muhammad told Allah to rain around them, not on them and the rain stopped.
Narrated Sharik:
Anas bin Malik said, "A person entered the Mosque on a Friday through the gate facing the Daril-Qada' and Allah's Apostle was standing delivering the Khutba (sermon). The man stood in front of Allah's Apostle and said, 'O Allah's Apostle, livestock are dying and the roads are cut off; please pray to Allah for rain.' So Allah's Apostle (p.b.u.h) raised both his hands and said, 'O Allah! Bless us with rain. O Allah! Bless us with rain. O Allah! Bless us with rain!" Anas added, "By Allah, there were no clouds in the sky and there was no house or building between us and the mountain of Silas'. Then a big cloud like a shield appeared from behind it (i.e. Silas Mountain) and when it came in the middle of the sky, it spread and then rained. By Allah! We could not see the sun for a week. The next Friday, a person entered through the same gate and Allah's Apostle was delivering the Friday Khutba and the man stood in front of him and said, 'O Allah's Apostle! The livestock are dying and the roads are cut off; Please pray to Allah to withhold rain.' " Anas added, "Allah's Apostle raised both his hands and said, 'O Allah! Round about us and not on us. O Allah!' On the plateaus, on the mountains, on the hills, in the valleys and on the places where trees grow.' " Anas added, "The rain stopped and we came out, walking in the sun." Sharik asked Anas whether it was the same person who had asked for rain the previous Friday. Anas replied that he did not know.
[edit] Satan Urinated in My Ears
Narrated 'Abdullah : A person was mentioned before the Prophet (p.b.u.h) and he was told that he had kept on sleeping till morning and had not got up for the prayer. The Prophet said, "Satan urinated in his ears."
[edit] Fight Polythiests by Trimming Moustache
Ibn Umar said: The Messenger of Allah (may peace be opon him) said: Act against the polytheists, trim closely the moustache and grow beard.
Sahih Muslim 2:500, See also: Sahih Muslim 2:501
[edit] Allah loves sneezes (aacchoo!)
Narrated Abu Huraira: The Prophet said, "Allah loves sneezing but dislikes yawning; so if anyone of you sneezes and then praises Allah, every Muslim who hears him (praising Allah) has to say Tashmit to him. But as regards yawning, it is from Satan, so if one of you yawns, he should try his best to stop it, for when anyone of you yawns, Satan laughs at him."
[edit] 3x Assalaamu ‘alaykum, may I enter?
(Abu ‘Eesa said: a saheeh hasan hadeeth, 2614) Abu Sa’eed said: Abu Moosa sought permission to enter upon ‘Umar. He said,
Assalaamu ‘alaykum, may I enter? ‘Umar said, That was once, then he kept silent for a while. Abu Moosa again said,
Assalaamu ‘alaykum, may I enter? ‘Umar said, That was twice, then he kept silent for a while. Abu Moosa again said,
Assalaamu ‘alaykum, may I enter? ‘Umar said, That was three times. Then Abu Moosa went away. ‘Umar asked the doorkeeper, What happened? The doorkeeper said, He went away. ‘Umar said, bring him back. When he came back, ‘Umar said, What is this that you have done? Abu Moosa said, It is the Sunnah. ‘Umar said: is it? Then he said, I did not know this…
Assalaamu ‘alaykum, may I enter? ‘Umar said, That was once, then he kept silent for a while. Abu Moosa again said,
Assalaamu ‘alaykum, may I enter? ‘Umar said, That was twice, then he kept silent for a while. Abu Moosa again said,
Assalaamu ‘alaykum, may I enter? ‘Umar said, That was three times. Then Abu Moosa went away. ‘Umar asked the doorkeeper, What happened? The doorkeeper said, He went away. ‘Umar said, bring him back. When he came back, ‘Umar said, What is this that you have done? Abu Moosa said, It is the Sunnah. ‘Umar said: is it? Then he said, I did not know this…
[edit] Interpretation of Dreams
Narrated Abu Said Al-Khudri: Allah's Apostle said, "While I was sleeping I saw (in a dream) some people wearing shirts of which some were reaching up to the breasts only while others were even shorter than that. Umar bin Al-Khattab was shown wearing a shirt that he was dragging." The people asked, "How did you interpret it? (What is its interpretation) O Allah's Apostle?" He (the Prophet ) replied, "It is the Religion."
[edit] Fever comes from heat of Hell
The Prophet said, "Fever is from the heat of Hell, so abate fever with water."
[edit] Allah Takes Away Prophet's Knowledge
Narrated 'Abdullah: The Prophet said, "Abusing a Muslim is Fusuq (an evil doing) and killing him is Kufr (disbelief)." Narrated 'Ubada bin As-Samit: "Allah's Apostle went out to inform the people about the (date of the) night of decree (Al-Qadr) but there happened a quarrel between two Muslim men. The Prophet said, "I came out to inform you about (the date of) the night of Al-Qadr, but as so and so and so and so quarrelled, its knowledge was taken away (I forgot it) and maybe it was better for you. Now look for it in the 7th, the 9th and the 5th (of the last 10 nights of the month of Ramadan)."
[edit] Pus Better than Poetry
Abu Sa`id Khudri reported: We were going with Allah's Messenger (may peace be upon him). As we reached the place (known as) Arj there met (us) a poet who had been reciting poetry. Thereupon Allah's Messenger (may peace be upon him) said: Catch the satan or detain the satan, for filling the belly of a man with pus is betting than stuffing his brain with poetry.
[edit] Spit on Left for Protection Against Bad Dreams
Narrated Abu Qatada: The Prophet said, "A good dream that comes true is from Allah, and a bad dream is from Satan, so if anyone of you sees a bad dream, he should seek refuge with Allah from Satan and should spit on the left, for the bad dream will not harm him."
[edit] Water mixed with Dead Dogs still clean
Narrated AbuSa'id al-Khudri: The people asked the Messenger of Allah (peace be upon him): Can we perform ablution out of the well of Buda'ah, which is a well into which menstrual clothes, dead dogs and stinking things were thrown? He replied: Water is pure and is not defiled by anything.
Sahih Muslim 1:66, See Also Sahih Muslim 1:67
[edit] Genetics 101
Narrated Abu Huraira: "A bedouin came to Allah's Apostle and said, "My wife has delivered a black child." The Prophet said to him, "Have you camels?" He replied, "Yes." The Prophet said, "What color are they?" He replied, "They are red." The Prophet further asked, "Are any of them gray in color?" He replied, "Yes." The Prophet asked him, "Whence did that grayness come?" He said, "I think it descended from the camel's ancestors." Then the Prophet said (to him), "Therefore, this child of yours has most probably inherited the color from his ancestors."
[edit] Satan ties three knots at back of our head while we sleep
Narrated Abu Huraira: Allah's Apostle said, "During your sleep, Satan knots three knots at the back of the head of each of you, and he breathes the following words at each knot, 'The night is, long, so keep on sleeping,' If that person wakes up and celebrates the praises of Allah, then one knot is undone, and when he performs ablution the second knot is undone, and when he prays, all the knots are undone, and he gets up in the morning lively and gay, otherwise he gets up dull and gloomy. "
[edit] Death be upon you, too
Narrated 'Abdullah bin 'Umar:
Allah's Apostle said, "When the Jews greet you, they usually say, 'As-Samu 'alaikum (Death be on you),' so you should say (in reply to them), 'Wa'alaikum (And on you)."
[edit] Prophetic Buttocks
Narrated Abu Huraira: Allah's Apostle said, "The Hour will not be established till the buttocks of the women of the tribe of Daus move while going round Dhi-al-Khalasa." Dhi-al-Khalasa was the idol of the Daus tribe which they used to worship in the Pre Islamic Period of ignorance.
[edit] Stating the Obvious
Narrated AbuSa'id al-Khudri: I heard the Apostle of Allah (peace be upon him) as saying: The best places to sit are those which provide most room.
[edit] The Almighty Wind
Narrated Anas:
Whenever a strong wind blew, anxiety appeared on the face of the Prophet (fearing that wind might be a sign of Allah's wrath).
[edit] Say No to Green Jars and White Jars
Narrated Ash-Shaibani:
I heard 'Abdullah bin Abi Aufa saying, "The Prophet forbade the use of green jars." I said, "Shall we drink out of white jars?" He said, "No."
[edit] Could someone please lick my hands? Thank you
Narrated Ibn 'Abbas: The Prophet said, 'When you eat, do not wipe your hands till you have licked it, or had it licked by somebody else."
[edit] Sinning with Silverware
Narrated Um Salama:
(the wife of the Prophet) Allah's Apostle said, "He who drinks in silver utensils is only filling his abdomen with Hell Fire."
Comment: What about stainless steel?
[edit] The Art of dealing with a Fart
Narrated Ali ibn Talq: The Apostle of Allah (peace be upon him) said: When any of you breaks wind during the prayer, he should turn away and perform ablution and repeat the prayer.
Narrated 'Abbas bin Tamim: My uncle asked Allah's Apostle about a person who imagined to have passed wind during the prayer. Allah' Apostle replied: "He should not leave his prayers unless he hears sound or smells something."
Narrated Abu Huraira: The Prophet said, "Allah does not accept prayer of anyone of you if he does Hadath (passes wind) till he performs the ablution (anew)."
Narrated 'Abdullah bin Zam'a: The Prophet forbade laughing at a person who passes wind.
And Allah taught Adam all the names as follows: He taught him the name of everything, down to fart and little fart.
Tabari I 267
[edit] Hey Muhammad, need a Beer?
Narrated Abu Huraira:
Allah's Apostle was presented a bowl of milk and a bowl of wine on the night he was taken on a journey (Al-Mi'raj).
[edit] Monkeys and Pigs are Humans who once played Music
Narrated Abu 'Amir or Abu Malik Al-Ash'ari:
that he heard the Prophet saying, "From among my followers there will be some people who will consider illegal sexual intercourse, the wearing of silk, the drinking of alcoholic drinks and the use of musical instruments, as lawful. And there will be some people who will stay near the side of a mountain and in the evening their shepherd will come to them with their sheep and ask them for something, but they will say to him, 'Return to us tomorrow.' Allah will destroy them during the night and will let the mountain fall on them, and He will transform the rest of them into monkeys and pigs and they will remain so till the Day of Resurrection."
[edit] Allah curses Tatooed Women
Narrated Ibn Mas'ud:
Allah has cursed those women who practise tattooing or get it done for themselves, and those who remove hair from their faces, and those who create spaces between their teeth artificially to look beautiful, such ladies as change the features created by Allah. Why then shall I not curse those whom Allah's Apostle has cursed and who are cursed in Allah's Book too?
[edit] Angel Gabriel said Hello
Narrated 'Aisha: that the Prophet said to her, "Gabriel sends Salam (greetings) to you." She replied, "Wa 'alaihi-s-Salam Wa Rahmatu-l-lah." (Peace and Allah's Mercy be on him).
[edit] Dye your hair because Jews and Christians don't
Narrated Abu Huraira :
The Prophet said, "Jews and Christians do not dye their hair so you should do the opposite of what they do.
Comment: What if they use soap and brush their teeth?
[edit] One-shoe walks Outlawed
Narrated Abu Huraira:
Allah's Apostle said, "None of you should walk, wearing one shoe only; he should either put on both shoes or put on no shoes whatsoever."
[edit] Izar dragging causes Endless Descent
Narrated 'Abdullah bin 'Umar:
Allah's Apostle said, "While a man was dragging his Izar on the ground (behind him), suddenly Allah made him sink into the earth and he will go on sinking into it till the Day of Resurrection."
[edit] Greeting Order
Narrated Abu Huraira:
The Prophet said, "The young should greet the old, the passer by should greet the sitting one, and the small group of persons should greet the large group of persons. "
Comment: Who says hello first if a small group of elders meets a larger group of younger people?
[edit] Well Hello, Hello, Hello
Narrated Anas:
Whenever Allah's Apostle greeted somebody, he used to greet him three times, and if he spoke a sentence, he used to repeat it thrice.
[edit] Poke the Peeping Tom
Narrated Anas:
A man peeped into one of the dwelling places of the Prophet. The Prophet got up and aimed a sharp-edged arrow head (or wooden stick) at him to poke him stealthily.
[edit] Allah prefers Odd numbers
Narrated Abu Huraira:
Allah has ninety-nine Names, i.e., one hundred minus one, and whoever believes in their meanings and acts accordingly, will enter Paradise; and Allah is Witr (one) and loves 'the Witr' (i.e., odd numbers).
[edit] Muhammad chokes Satan with bare hands
The Prophet once offered the prayer and said, "Satan came in front of me and tried to interrupt my prayer, but Allah gave me an upper hand on him and I choked him. No doubt, I thought of tying him to one of the pillars of the mosque till you get up in the morning and see him. Then I remembered the statement of Prophet Solomon, 'My Lord ! Bestow on me a kingdom such as shall not belong to any other after me.' Then Allah made him (Satan) return with his head down (humiliated)."
Sahih Bukhari 2:22:301 Narrated Abu Huraira
[edit] Overweight Omen
Allah's Apostle said, "On the Day of Resurrection, a huge fat man will come who will not weigh, the weight of the wing of a mosquito in Allah's Sight." and then the Prophet added, 'We shall not give them any weight on the Day of Resurrection'
Sahih Bukhari 6:60:253 Narrated Abu Huraira
[edit] Wicked Wigs
Allah's Apostle has cursed the lady who uses false hair.
Sahih Bukhari 6:60:409 Narrated Abdullah (bin Mus'ud)
[edit] A friend in need
The Prophet went out to answer the call of nature and asked me to bring three stones. I found two stones and searched for the third but could not find it. So I took a dried piece of dung and brought it to him. He took the two stones and threw away the dung and said, "This is a filthy thing."
Sahih Bukhari 1:4:158 Narrated Abdullah
[edit] Zoophilia pardonable but not homosexuality
Abu Dawud 38:4448 prescribes the death sentence for an unmarried man who commits sodomy but there is no prescribed punishment for having sex with an animal:
There is no prescribed punishment for one who has sexual intercourse with an animal.
Abu Dawud 38:4450 Narrated Abdullah ibn Abbas
[edit] Giant tree in Allah's magical fairytale land
Allah's Apostle said, "In Paradise there is a tree so big that in its shade a rider may travel for one hundred years without being able to cross it."
Sahih Bukhari 8:76:559t Narrated Sahl bin Sa'd
[edit] Sheeps prefer female babies
I heard the Prophet (nay peace be upon him) say: Let the birds stay in their roosts. She said: I also heard him say: Two sheep are to be sacrificed for a boy and one for a girl, but it does you no harm whether they are male or female.
Abu Dawud 15:2829 Narrated Umm Kurz
